【陳慧珊】有一種教育,叫學習做決定 (2) 與「懼」為友

2016-06-24


上文提及,在任何作決定的過程中,最有效的策略是「評定精確的行動」。 (見另文

在我們「評定精確的行動」以作出決定之前,普遍都會先被情感影響。經常發生的,是只要一想到要作決定,害怕、憤怒和憎恨等負面情緒就會籠罩著我們。

能否克服這些負面情緒,或需時多久去克服,則取決於我們的特性、性格和行為。但有一件事可以肯定的,就是「排解情緒」是一種自身教育,是我們終其一生都要學習的。

「恐懼」可能是人體最早發展出來的情緒,亦是與生俱來的本能。過往一些不好的經歷,或當估計會有壞事發生時,我們會感到恐懼,並在心理、生理和行為上反映出來。這種煩躁不安的情緒,不但為我們處理資訊時添上混亂,亦令我們解讀資訊時存有偏見,導致我們無法作出決定,繼而窒礙了我們的發展和學習。

從享樂主義的角度看,「恐懼」會令我們和目標背道而馳,因為我們作的決定都是為了增添快樂,減輕痛苦。由此看來,「恐懼」是我們的敵人。我們可以學習化「懼」為友,這樣就能困住、縮小、阻撓它,到最後打倒它,那麼我們才能跟從自己的意願去思考和行動,不再受制於「恐懼」這個「敵人」。與「懼」為友,就是致勝關鍵。

如果我們與「恐懼」做普通朋友…

與其給予「恐懼」這個「他」有機會習慣性地及重覆地,潛意識裏控制我們在生理上、情緒上及行為上的反應,倒不如邀請他做朋友,使他感到疑惑,我們便可卸下這個威脅和恐嚇我們的天性。

我們亦不妨燃起他對友誼和親密感的渴求。畢竟,連最陰險的罪犯都需要被認同、了解和欣賞。我們的友誼之手或許可以使他對我們改觀,放棄侵略計劃,即使往後需要正面交鋒,我們也能處於上風。

如果我們與「恐懼」做密友…

她會卸下裝甲讓我們認識真正的她,我們自此毋須再害怕她。我們會充分了解到她性格、個性和行為的細微之處、不會再被她嚇得重蹈只懂保護自己的覆轍。一旦我們取得她的「信任」,便可緩和她的敵意,轉移她的野心。

在「信任」的保護罩下,我們可以有話直說,鼓起勇氣叫她不要再在我們的生活中肆虐,因為我們有自己的夢想與目標,不會容許她再去控制我們的命運。我們可以集合經學習和累積回來的心靈防禦術,然後消滅她那使人望而卻步的天性。當她察覺到自己奸計失敗,便會棄械投降,避走至一個只有羞恥和後悔的世界,永不報復。

如果我們與「恐懼」成為知己…

他可能會被我們的邀請而深受「感動」,繼而重新審視應否對我們發動攻擊。我們的關懷、支持和鼓勵,或會讓她自我反省,獲得新的看法。反過來,或許他會確切明白,以自我的情緒縱容和責備他人,作為裹足不前的藉口,會破壞了別人(和自己)追尋幸福的大計。有了這個新發現,我們不用再互相猜疑,反而可以成為一對共同進退的好知己。

這樣做或可開闢一條新的溝通渠道去求同存異,互相忍讓,不再浪費精力互相攻擊,學習和平共處。畢竟,最高明的戰略就是化敵為友。

與「懼」為友,我們可以教導「敵人」重新改造天性,並學會主動自省、自律和勇敢。運用這些策略去打倒「恐懼」,我們就能作出足以改變我們一生的重大決定,踏出追尋夢想的第一步。

作者:陳慧珊

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相關文章:【陳慧珊】有一種教育,叫學習做決定(1)評定精確的行動
     【踏上教育路】陳慧珊:女兒讓我看見自己的不足

==========

Making Decisions is Educational

         “Be Friends with Fear”

Before we even begin to define precise action points to help navigate our decision making endeavors, our initial point of action is always to respond emotionally.  More often than not, we experience negative feelings such as fear, anger, hatred – some kind of suffering, just by the mere thought of having to make a choice. 

Whether and how long it takes for us to overcome the emotion depends on our traits, personality, and behavior.  But one thing is constant — resolving the feeling is a self-educating process that’s entirely up to us, for lifelong learning.

‘Fear’ may be the earliest emotion to have evolved, and is a natural survival instinct we couldn’t do without.  ‘Fear’ is a psychological, physiological, and behavioral response to adverse past experiences or to the perception (legitimate or imagined) that something bad is about to happen.  The dysphoric emotion may not only muddle our processing of and unbiased interpretation of information, it may result in avoidant decisions, thus, hindering progression and learning.

From a hedonistic view, as we base our decisions on goals that could optimize happiness and diminish suffering, ‘fear’ may incline us to miss our natural goals.

As such, we could learn to conquer ‘fear’, our “enemy”, by inviting ‘fear’ to be our “friend”.  With this strategic invitation, we would have the advantage of baffling, minimizing, thwarting, and conquering our “enemy” – ‘fear’.

As a result, we may learn to claim the power to think and act from our own free-will rather than to be controlled by ‘fear’ as our “enemy”.  The winning strategy may be to “Be Friends with Fear”.

If we invite ‘fear’ to be our casual friend…

…we may throw Him off guard so as to disarm his natural instinct to threaten or intimidate us into thinking that we are insufficient to take Him on.  Rather than to give Him the chance to behave through habit and experience, and attempt to forcefully dominate our consciousness and unconsciousness to strategically control our physiological, emotional, and behavioral responses, He may be too preoccupied with being perplexed by the invitation.

…we may ignite His desire for companionship and intimacy.  After all, even the most manipulative villain has the innate need to feel validated, understood, and appreciated.  The invitation may destroy His initial plan of attack, and may even change his perception of us, which would undoubtedly position us at an advantage if we subsequently decide to beat Him in his own cruel game.

         If we invite ‘fear’ to be our close friend…

…She may actually put down Her guard and allow us to get to know the real Her.  Then we would no longer need to be afraid of Her.  We would know the nuances of Her character, personality, and behavior so well that She would not be able to surprise us in such a way as to cause us to revert to our old disadvantageous habits of self-defense.  Once we have begun to gain Her “trust”, this may neutralize her impulse to attack, and perhaps refocus her attention of aggression. 

…since we are protected by a bond of “trust”, we could stand up to Her and “tell it like it is”.  We could muster up the courage to tell Her to stop degrading and intruding, because we have our own dreams and goals and we refuse to allow her to continue to control our fate.  We could gather our learned and accumulated defenses of the mind and heart, and wear down Her prohibitive nature.  When She realizes that her tactics have failed, She may withdraw Her troops altogether and retreat into a world of shame and regret, never to retaliate.

       If we invite ‘fear’ to be our intimate friend…

…He may be so “touched” by the invitation that He may make a deliberate choice to suppress his desires for direct attack.  Our concern, support, and encouragement may genuinely have enlightened Him to self-reflect, self-criticize, and gain self-insight.  In turn, He may actually realize that self-indulgence in His own emotion and blaming others for his own bad character as an excuse not to make a progressive move, may damage others (and himself) from achieving happiness.  With this newfound freedom, we could both stop second-guessing each other, and adopt a genuinely positive strategic approach towards a future as true, intimate friends.

…it may open up a channel of communication to reconcile differences and work towards forgiveness.  Rather than waste knowledge and wisdom on devising ways to attack and counterattack, we could refocus on finding a way to welcome and live with each other.  After all, the best way to win against the enemy is to befriend Him.

By inviting ‘fear’ to be our friend, we could teach our “enemy” the advantages of restructuring “his/her” self-inhibiting tendencies, and learn to be proactive towards finding the most effective path to gain self-insight, self-discipline, and courage.  By using these strategies to conquer our ‘fear’, we may be liberated to make a life-changing decision that could propel us to take that crucial first step towards that which is worth pursuing.

Text by Flora

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