【陳慧珊】 有一種教育，叫學習作決定(3)：借助憤怒，然後把它歸還
2016-07-01
心理學家馬斯洛的「需求層次論」提到，當我們的基本需求無法得到滿足時，會容易感到憤怒。就如對小孩而言，若他們的「低層次需要」(即是生理、人身安全或社交等)受到威脅，便會生氣。成年人的憤怒往往是由於所愛所熟悉的人事物或自尊（別人的尊重、自我認同、自信心等）受到傷害所致。通常我們會反擊或壓抑自己的情緒，結果可能會導致抑鬱或崩潰，姑勿論是那種方法，最終也會兩敗俱傷。
要活出有意義及精采的人生，取決於我們的態度，因為我們所思所想都影響着我們的感覺和行為，正如我們是否理解憤怒的根源？怎樣管理憤怒這個情緒？都影響一段關係的建立和維繫。這就是實踐馬洛斯所說的「人類最高層次需求」的能力。
有時候，真相往往不是最令人憤怒的一環。生活中一件微不足道的事情，讓我們覺得自己的價值仿佛被貶低了，反而更讓我們感到不快。那應該怎樣做呢？秘訣是在憤怒的苗頭開始滋長時就把它扼殺，不要讓怒火和負面情緒吞沒我們的理智。
當我們憤怒時，其中一個平息怒火的方法就是想像自己是在「借火」，但緊記要把它歸還，這樣我們的思想和心情都會變好。
2003年我決定離開TVB，成為自由身演員。主要原因是我希望接觸不同的文化，以及在自我和專業上取得進步。我當然希望自己的演藝生涯繼續平坦和更輝煌。恢復自由身後接的第一個角色，是一套大陸劇，我膽粗粗地帶着幾個月內語言導師所教和自學的普通話，便披甲上陣。
你可以想像到在一班母語是普通話的製作人、導演、拍攝團隊和主角當中，我是多麼的緊張。我嘗試和他們交談並希望滿足他們對「Flora 陳慧珊」的期望。但無論我多麼努力去嘗試融入他們，跟他們溝通，我那有限的普通話和差得過分的中文，仍逃不了經常被譏笑的命運。我感到十分尷尬和失望，並對發生在我身上的不公和輕視感到憤怒，不過，我並沒有讓憤怒毀掉自己。
反過來，我借用怒火去勉勵自己向目標前進，推動自己去努力改善這個窘境。知道自己要用普通話去演繹角色，我便和助手把稿子從早練到晚。在我入睡之前，我便把怒火「歸還」，等翌日要讀稿要演戲時再借用。
借用怒火的美妙之處是我可以在一天結束後把它歸還。那可不是一件容易的事，我要不斷練習。我明白到怒火的濃度是需要保持的，不可以使用過度，因此需要在使用後暫時歸還，冷卻一下，並利用理性思考使它重新燃燒。
在往後的三個月，我沉浸在中華文化之中，並在日常生活中主動跟其他演員和工作人員溝通，把握每一個改善普通話的機會。
為了在這個環境下生存，我故意借助怒火去推動自己達成目標，例如提升自信、自尊和能力。這個策略使我在三個月內專注於達成自己的目標，當我可以揮灑自如地將過程所學轉化成知識和智慧，並圓了初衷後，我便可以把憤怒歸還，放回「情感圖書館」中去。
現在回想起來，當初覺得自己備受輕視，源於自己不了解當地的文化並期望過高。除了語文能力不濟外，我缺乏經驗的表現亦令其他人對我存有誤解。我明白到憤怒會蒙蔽我們的雙眼，使我們無法對別人感同身受。要獲得別人的尊重首先要學會尊重別人，教學相長，過程中我們都學會了互相欣賞和尊重對方的不同之處。
我們如能因應不同狀況，在適當時候，利用適當的方法去借助「憤怒」幫助我們達到目標，完成後緊記「歸還」，便能使我們在思想、情緒和行為上得到進步。之後，我們就能學習怎樣善用情緒，令自己學習作出更成熟更好的決定。
作者：陳慧珊
《杜拉拉升職記》劇照
相關文章：【陳慧珊】有一種教育，叫學習做決定(1)評定精確的行動
Making Decisions is Educational
“Borrow Anger – then Return It”
Based on psychologist Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs, ‘anger’ can arise when we feel that our basic human needs are not being met. For children, they could feel ‘anger’ when their ‘lower-level needs’ are threatened (i.e., physiological, safety, social). For adults, it’s often when our sense of ‘love and belonging’ or ‘esteem’ (respect from others, self-respect, self-confidence) is “hurt”, that we may lash out at others or internalize it, which could lead to depression, or explosion. Either way, it could result in hurting self and others.
Our ability to understand and manage our ‘anger’ in order to make decisions that could help us to form and sustain meaningful relationships, give us a chance at actualizing our full potential (Maslow’s highest human need), and lead a productive and meaningful life, may all depend on how we think, which influences how we feel, and ultimately how we behave.
Sometimes, what angers us may not be the truth; it may be how we think or perceive something that in reality is quite minor that offends us or makes us feel like we’ve been devalued. The trick is to “catch” ‘anger’ once it’s been triggered so that it doesn’t escalate into the ‘crisis stage’, where we are so engulfed in negative thoughts and feelings as to be completely unable to make rational decisions, and be too self-absorbed for empathy.
When we’re feeling angry, one way to tackle our ‘anger’ so that we may think, feel, and be better, may be to “borrow” anger. Then, we mustn’t forget to “return” it.
When I made the decision to leave TVB in 2003 to become a freelance actress, two main reasons were to force myself to socialize into different cultures and to expand my comfort zone so that I could progress personally and professionally. Secretly, though, I was hoping that my career path would be smooth and triumphant. Naïve as I was I ventured into the PRC for my first freelance actress role, armed with the best Putonghua I could cram into a few months of lessons from my language teacher and self-learning.
It may not surprise you that in my very first encounter with a roundtable of native speakers which included executive producers, director, the crew, and main actors, that I was nervous about conversing and basically, trying to live up to the expectations of my image as the competent “Flora Wai San Chan”. As hard as I tried to communicate and to fit in, my limited Putonghua failed me and I was ridiculed for my bad Chinese. Feeling embarrassed and disappointed, and angered by the injustice and disrespect that was thrust upon me, I did not, however, allow my anger to fail me.
I “borrowed” anger to motivate myself to meet my needs and to penalize others for not meeting them. Since I had to act in Putonghua, I studied my scripts with my assistant day in and day out, using my anger I had on reserve and igniting it at the right moment and intensity to keep my diligence well lit. At night before I went to bed I would “return” my anger and “borrow” it again the following morning to study my scripts and to navigate through my scenes.
The beauty of “borrowing” anger was that I could “return” it at the end of the day; it wasn’t easy, but in time I learned to practice it. I knew that it was crucial to utilize anger’s sustenance but not to overuse it; therefore, extinguishing anger’s powerful energy by “returning” it temporarily in order to rethink and reframe using my rational intelligence, was functional and necessary.
For the next three months I immersed myself in Chinese culture and took every chance I could get to improve my Putonghua through daily practice (e.g. striking up semi-meaningful conversations with fellow actors and crew members).
With my deliberate decision to rev up my anger into survival mode, I “borrowed” anger as positive energy to motivate myself to go after the need that was not being met, i.e. self-confidence, self-esteem, competence. “Borrowing anger” meant that I could take it out on loan for the three months that I needed to focus on completing my goal. Then I “returned” ‘anger’ to the “library of emotions” when I was through utilizing the information to transform into knowledge, and transcend to wisdom to accomplish my promise.
In hindsight, I realize that it was my lack of cultural understanding and exaggerated perceptions that fooled me into feeling like I had been slighted. Also, it wasn’t just my language skills, but my overall inexperience that provoked others’ legitimate interpretations. I also learned that anger blinds us to the importance of demonstrating empathy for others; therefore, to gain respect I had to first earn it. In the end, I’m not sure who educated who, but we learned to appreciate and respect each other’s differences.
When we “borrow” anger at the appropriate time, in the appropriate way, in the appropriate intensity, in the appropriate context (self, people, situations), and “return” it, this practice may make us think, feel, and behave better. Consequently, we may have a chance at learning to enjoy what the emotion encourages us to become. Perhaps then we could make more mature and better decisions that pave way for future learning.
Text by Flora Chan