【陳慧珊】有一種教育,叫學習做決定 (33)渴望的受害者

2017-03-23


我們普遍都是渴望的受害者。有時候,我們會因過度渴望有些東西而受痛苦,只因我們經常忽視去評估自己是否已準備好經歷當中的過程,又或者我們是否準備好擁有我們所渴望的。

渴望跟目標並不相同;渴望會使我們困擾,使我們失去理性,為了得到它,迫使我們把所有的資源投進去,而最諷刺的是其實我們並不需要它。當然我們不會意識到這點,往往是到最後才被痛苦驚醒。

有時我們想得太多、太快、太急,蒙騙自己去相信自己已準備戰鬥,實際上卻仍缺乏技能、時間、資源和/或同情心。我們很少意識到其實只需要在過程中進行少許調整,就會有不同的結果。例如要有多點寛恕,願意幫助他人達成目標,或者更願意承認自己的缺點。然而我們寧可自欺欺人,都不去自我調節和自我反思。

有時候,我們甚至以一個信念武裝起自己,相信所想要的並非只為自身,同時也為了別人,這會變成推動我們全力前進的最終原動力。所以覺得受點苦似乎是值得的,因為它似乎是一個無私的行為。即使事實上只是一種自私的慾望,試圖令自己的生活看來更有意義。

有些渴望確實基於好的意圖。但是,我們投入的時間、精力和穩定的情緒,很多時較我們能夠掌握的更多。在追逐過程中的某個時刻,我們甚至會選擇被滿足,這樣便不再受到持續的焦慮和惱怒等影響,不過,缺乏準備卻往往使我們陷入更多的慾望中。然後就算我們「達致」初衷,我們甚至不知道原來我們已經擁有。我們的情緒使我們陷入對100分中拿到95分的不滿。因此,我們把焦點放在未能滿足的那5%上,而不是為已填滿的杯子而欣喜。對追求完美的貪得無厭,使我們不斷追求那些心中永遠覺得不夠好的東西。

更糟糕的是在我們開始追求之前,我們無法評估最先讓我們陷入困境的情況。所以,在我們陷入執迷不悟的愚蠢前,讓我提醒大家:我們是可以避免不必要的痛苦;我們不必要因為追求自己的渴望而成為受害者。我們可能只是需要選擇停一停、打破慣有的非理性想法、莫再沉迷於要快速調適憤怒、貪婪和/或驕傲等思維及情緒,同時向好的方向設想,以及從過去的經驗自我教育。更重要的是,我們可以將過去追求渴望而曾成為受害者這個富有教育意義的經驗,應用到生活各方面和所有學術科目問題上,甚至所有年齡的成年人及孩子都適用。教育經驗是沒有界限和沒有止境的,若明智地運用這些經驗,可以從計劃周密的目標中獲益,從而為他人、我們的社區和世界作出積極的貢獻。 

Decision Making is Educational

 “Victim of Desire”

We have all been a victim of our own desire. At one time or another, we’ve all suffered from wanting something so excessively that we neglect to assess whether we’re really prepared to go through the process, or whether we’re ready to own what we desire.

A desire is different from a goal; a desire haunts us, blinds us from being rational, forces us to pour all our resources into attaining it, and the irony is we don’t even need it.  But of course, we don’t realize this until the end when suffering gives us a wake-up call.

Sometimes we want too much, too soon, too fast.  We deceive ourselves into believing that we’re ready for the fight, when in reality we lack the skills, time, resources, and/or compassion.  Even in the rare event that we realize that we’d merely need to make a small adjustment in the process, such as being a little more forgiving, a little more willing to coach others to meet our standards, or a little more willing to admit our own flaws, we’d rather bypass self-adjustment and self-reflection, for self-deception. 

Sometimes we even go as far as to arm ourselves with the belief that what we want benefits something greater than ourselves.  This is the ultimate motivation to propel us forward with full force.  Suffering seems worth the pain because it seems to be a selfless act of love for the oppressed, even though in reality, what’s driving us is nothing more than a selfish desire to attempt to make our own lives seem more meaningful.

Some desires may indeed have good intentions.  However, we devote more time, effort, and mental stability than we can handle to possess it.  At a certain point in the chase, we could even choose to be satisfied, which could save us from continued anxiety and aggravation, but instead, our lack of preparation deceives us into wanting more.  And then when we do “attain” our initial desire, we don’t even know we have.  Our emotions trap us into being dissatisfied with achieving 95 out of 100 points.  And so we focus instead on our failure to meet that 5% rather than rejoicing in the part of the cup that has been filled.  Our insatiable quest for perfection causes us to keep chasing something that we would never in our hearts consider is good enough.

Worse yet, it’s our failure to assess the situation even before the pursuit begins that gets us into trouble in the first place.  So, before we dive into obsessive stupidity, let’s remind ourselves that we can avoid needless suffering; we need not be a victim of our own desire.  It may just be a matter of choosing to pause, to break the momentum of irrational thinking, to stop indulging in a quick-fix for our anger, greed, and/or pride, to envision hope rather than despair, and to self-educate from past experience. 

More importantly, the educational experience of having been victims of our own past desires could be a relevant reminder applicable to all aspects of our lives, to all academic subject matters, to adults at any life stage and to children of all ages.  Educational experiences have no boundaries and no limits.  And if we utilize them wisely, we could be beneficiaries of well-planned goals that could also contribute to positivity for others, our community, and for the world.

 

作者:陳慧珊

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