【陳慧珊】有一種教育，叫學習做決定 (23) 有能力做自己

在人前人後，面對自己時，
都當同一個人。
– 佚名

在人前人後，面對自己時，都能夠做到表裏一致，當然最理想，代表我們幾乎沒有事情要隱瞞、高度理解自己及肯定自己。亦表示我們能從經驗中汲取正面的價值觀，而非浪費精力去擔心別人對自己的評價。

然而，諸多簡單的原因，都令我們很難經常做到表裏如一。有些行為在公眾場合並不恰當，甚或有冒犯成分，於是我們會根據過往經驗或選擇，避免把真我暴露於人前，以免破壞别人對我們的印象。

作為演員或公眾人物，這是可以理解的，如果不好好地維持一個「好形象」，或許要面對很多危機。有些演員為了確保得到讚許，很努力維繫其公眾人物形象，也是無可厚非。但若保持的形象與本身的真性情有出入，就要付上犧牲真我的代價。

我在演藝圈20年，發現最開心的人（包括演員、編劇、導演、監製等知名人士），就是那些私底下與公開形象，距離相差不太遠的人。

自我理解與肯定

我們要記住，我們是可以選擇的。即使在公眾場合，我們也可以保持真我。這個選擇是基於我們對自己身份的信心，可以在各個場合中，恰如其份地表現自己。所謂自我肯定，就是相信自己可以在適當的時候，以適當的態度，做適當的事。這個或許就是讓我們在人前人後、面對自己時，都能輕鬆自然的關鍵。

只要了解及相信自己解決問題的能力，明白到問題並非隨機出現，是可以依靠直覺和邏輯去發現、分析和應對，同時經常為他人設想，這樣，無論有沒有人看著我們，我們的言行也會一致。

自我保護

當人們經過努力而變得成功，自然希望保護這些成就，不論是名譽、財富還是權力。他們會覺得，如果自己做出（傳媒、支持者以及大眾覺得）驚人或難以接受的事情，就會失去辛苦經營的東西。

亦有人會擔憂，如果率性而為（就如在私人環境會做的），情緒就會反映當下的痛苦、歡樂、悲傷或喜悅。這樣就會暴露了自己脆弱的一面，會受到大眾的審查甚至是嘲笑。就算有需要在各種場合扮演不同的角色，這些人都不容許自己流露出真性情。因爲他們相信，自我控制是掌握別人怎去看待自己最恆之有效的方法。

我發現，最有效保護自己形象的方法，其實是做好自己的工作。當一個人的公眾印象，是源於個人努力、付出、誠信、對身邊伙伴的尊重，以及會放膽去學習、進步，就算他們突然顯露了人性，也不會害怕動搖了「好形象」。

我們的行為及反應會不自覺地將我們思想內的私密呈現出來，這對某些人是禁忌，因為他們不想犠牲「好形象」。不過講到底，公眾人物都是人；人，並不是完美。

在公眾環境裏，與其花心神於刻意根據其他人的解讀方式而活，不如將精力花在更有意義的事情上，如參加新的課程。為何我們要錯過探索世界的好機會，而關心那些沒有意義和價值的事情，譬如確保其他人能注意到一個更理想的我們？

如果我們相信，自己的行為可以反映出我們美好的價值，我們就不用計算如何待人處事，因為價值觀會推動我們的行為。同樣道理，我們也不用刻意去警惕自己的行為，因為它們會理所當然地「好」。餘下的是充足的時間和精力，讓我們活在當下，不用時刻以作戰狀態示人，或在意如何令到別人怎樣評估我們。

長期被行為佔據心神，實在太累人。有時候，我們要將別人的看法與說話擱在一旁，思考、感受、活出真正屬於自己的態度。同時，我們要相信，他人也有胸襟接受各種行為背後的我們，自己亦要願意辨別事情的好與壞。

想想看，一個人需要幾多時間，才能在人前人後，面對自己時，舒舒服服地做自己？我花了最少40年。我9歲的女兒又要花多少年，才能夠從真我和人前的自己取得平衡？希望她在尋找屬於私底下、公眾、個人的自己的過程會快樂，依然都會是個熱情、樂觀、有同情心、慷慨和自我尊重的人。

作者：陳慧珊

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Decision Making is Educational

“Capable of Being Ourself”

Be the same person
privately, publicly, and personally
-Anonymous

Ideally, it would feel pretty good if we could be the same person privately, personally and/or publicly. That would imply that we have close to nothing to hide, have achieved a high level of self-understanding and self-assurance, and believe in the value of extracting positive meaning from each experience rather than wasting energy worrying about how our behavior is viewed in the eyes of others.

However, for fundamental reasons, we can’t always behave the same way in private as we do in public as some basic human actions would be inappropriate and offensive. And by choice or past experience, sometimes we would rather keep our private and personal actions and persona under wraps to maintain a degree of confidentiality, to save our truest selves for significant people in our lives, and/or to maintain our perception of how others see us, i.e. our public image.

As an actress or public figure, it would be understandable to seem like we have more at stake if we don’t exert effort to purposefully maintain a “good” public image. It makes sense that some actors try hard to ensure that their public persona gets the thumbs up. By behaving in ways that may not be true to their real personas, some actors feel like they could have control over how they’re perceived, even at the cost of sacrificing their true selves.

I have found, however, throughout my 20 years in the field of entertainment, that the happiest people (i.e. actors, scriptwriters, directors, executive producers, etc. who are known for their work) are those whose gap between the private and personal versus the public self is not too far off.

Self-understanding and Self-assurance

The key is to remember that we have a choice to stay true to our sense of self, even in public. This choice can be grounded in the confidence that we know our identities well and are quite certain that we would behave appropriately in wide and various situations. The self-assurance in knowing that we have the ability to “do the right thing, at the right time, in the right manner, in the context of different circumstances”, may be the key to give us the freedom to behave naturally and effortlessly as we would in a private, personal, and/or public situation.

By knowing and believing that we have the ability to solve problems amidst the flux of circumstances, that events usually do not happen randomly and therefore we can rely on our intuition and logic to automatically detect, analyze and cope with circumstances, and that we always try to have the best interest of others at heart, our actions would be consistent whether or not others are watching.

Self-preservation

When people have worked hard to become successful, they naturally want to preserve their success, in whatever form it may come in (fame, wealth, power, etc). They feel like if they behave in unexpected or unacceptable ways (as perceived by the media, fans, and/or the public), that they will lose what they have worked hard to gain.

Some are afraid to behave with spontaneity (as they would in private)those emotions which reflect their true sense of pain, pleasure, grief, or joy in the moment; to do so would reveal a frailty that would be subject to public scrutiny and even mockery. Even if different situations call for different displays of personalities they do not allow themselves to show their true emotions. To display self-control, therefore, is believed to be the tried-and-tested way to “manipulate” how they want the public to see them.

I find that a more effective way of self-preservation is through doing quality work. Those whose public image is grounded because they are known for their hard work, dedication, honesty, respect for fellow workers, and who take risks for the sake of learning and progression, will not need to fear that their “good” public image will be shaken if they suddenly display a bout of humanity.

There is too much of a warmth and intimacy of our own thoughts and feelings, as reflected in our behavior and reactions, that some of us would never trade off those moments in order to “look good”. Public figures are human after all, and humans are fallible.

Self-living

In a public situation, rather thanfocusingour attention on deliberately behaving according to how others would positively interpret our actions, we could save our energy for more meaningful living, such as taking in refreshing and educational experiences. Why would we ever want to miss out on the wonderful opportunities to explore the world by focusing on something less meaningful and worthwhile, such as making sure that others notice a more desirable version of us?

If we believe that our actions reflect good values and come from a good place, we needn’t calculate the best way to act because our values would initiate our actions. Using this same principle on and off the public stage means we wouldn’t need to exert effort to be vigilant to our actions, because they would be justifiably “good”. We are then left with ample time and energy to live in the moment, to not always feel like we have to be prepared for the possibility of having to defend our actions or to be conscious of how we could control the “outcome” of people’s final assessment of us.

Most of all, being preoccupied with our behavior is simply too tiresome. Sometimes, we need to put aside the thoughts and words of others, and to think, feel, and act in a manner that is genuinely ours. Other times, we need to trust that others have the capacityto see behind our actions and be willing to extract the good from the bad.

Imagine how many years it takes for most of us to get to a point where we are capable of finding comfort in being ourselves privately, publicly, and/or personally. For me, it has taken at least 40 years. Think of how many years of learning my daughter of 9 will likely endure before she can strike a balance between the true self versus the public self. And hopefully, she will be happy in the discovery that the private, public, and personal self can be the same passionate, optimistic, compassionate, generous, and self-respecting individual.

Text by Flora Chan