【陳慧珊】有一種教育，叫學習做決定 (4)偷走仇恨

‘Hatred’ is difficult to define since it doesn’t usually occur in everyday life. Plus, most of us have never experienced it, at least not to a point where we have drastically suffered from it. Since most of us have experienced ‘anger’, a practical approach may be to define ‘hatred’ in the context of ‘anger’.

Some psychologists define ‘hatred’ as simply a heightened form of ‘anger’.

Perhaps we may recall that philosopher Aristotle pinpointed the difference as ‘anger’ being “accompanied by pain” but that ‘hatred’ is not. Some psychologists say that Aristotle may have been referring to the shame or guilt that one is devoid of with the experience of ‘hatred’. Because we’ve gone through the process of justifying and confirming that the object of hate caused the ‘hate’ and deserves to be ‘hated’, we feel neither shame nor guilt.

Given that shame and guilt are two very important emotions, because they keep our behavior in check (i.e., since they are such unbearable feelings we do everything possible to avoid them), ‘hatred’ may be more dangerous than we care to admit.

When emotions inform and direct our decision making, it may be important to think of ways to pull ourselves out of the state of ‘hatred’ before making any significant choices.

While ‘hatred’ is a relatively lasting emotion (vs. ‘anger’ which can pass) that feeds on our sense of ‘unfairness and injustice’, ‘betrayal’, and ‘envy’, an effective tactic to “imprison” the person/thing who “robbed” us of self-confidence, self-respect, etc., may be to adopt the practice to “Steal Hatred”.

“Steal Hatred from Unfairness and Injustice”

We seem to be born with a knack for knowing what’s fair or unfair. When the kindergarten teacher gives our classmate a smiley face sticker for best behavior while we also made our best effort to be good, we say it’s “not fair” and we ‘hate’ it.

When people make judgments or have expectations of us but we fail to meet their assumptions and are blamed for their disappointment, we conclude that we have been unfairly treated and ‘hatred’ is invoked.

When my friend’s 18-year-old daughter was shot and died from a stray bullet during a gang hate-crime and the judge gave the teenage shooter a relatively light sentence, both injustice and unfairness penetrated my friend like a knife; how does anyone break the dark force of “hatred” in such traumatic conditions?

When unfairness and/or injustice befall us, we could “steal hatred” and imprison the perpetrator for life. When the choice is either to live in frustration, resentment, and agony or to break the hold of rage and hostility from robbing us any further, “stealing hatred” may be the more functional choice.

From having robbed us of our peace of mind from once having felt protected by a fair and just world, we could stage our own hold-up by “stealing hatred” as a way to make others suffer for depriving us of the things we deserve, i.e. fair and just treatment. The good thing about “stealing hatred” is that we could stash it away forever.

When my bereaved friend chose to “steal hatred”, she found strength in a dark place by not allowing “hatred” to devour her heart, mind, and soul any further. By “stealing hatred” she allowed her ‘hatred’ to pass rather than to be sustained, and made way for healing and forgiveness. She is a living example that “stealing hatred” is an effective and possible feat.

“Steal Hatred from Betrayal”

Strangers cannot ‘betray’ us because we don’t have an attachment to them. We can only truly feel ‘betrayed’ by loved ones and people we have a connection with (e.g., our boss). When we put our trust in people, when we play by the rules, when we do everything right, but are still abandoned, it causes severe punishment to our spirit.

In high school, when my best friend convinced me to ask my parents for permission to go to her house after school along with a group of her new friends, and I succeeded in begging my protective parents to let me go, I experienced the ultimate betrayal for a teenager when I arrived at school just in time to see my best friend drive off with her new buddies without me.

The lesson learned is that when we are betrayed by our closest and dearest, or by a group of people we even remotely care about, the hurt may double.

Worse yet, we begin to question whether we are worthy of respect and/or love, which can invoke ‘hatred’ towards the traitor and against ourselves, for not having the capacity to protect ourselves.

In order to restore our (self) respect, “stealing hatred” may be a necessary tool to take back what is rightfully ours without prior consent, and without concern for returning the stolen “property”. Regardless of whether the offense is truly the fault of the betrayer, to “steal hatred” means to have a chance at curing our feelings of being humiliated, used, and unwanted.

“Steal Hatred from Envy”

When a close friend of mine won a “Best Actress Award”, I knew it was human nature to feel some sort of ‘envy’ (and I’m not talking about admiration) for her success. It doesn’t mean, however, that I was proud of that feeling.

But if we were to perceive others’ gain as our loss, to feel like we will never possess what they have, that we were deliberately deprived by the person who gained, and that others possess better traits, talents, and possessions, these would be sentiments that would compel us to ‘hatred’.

When we hate because of ‘envy’ it corrodes our ability to respect our own accomplishments and denies us clarity in viewing our self-worth.

“Stealing hatred” as a way to seize others’ prizes may be just the tactic to use to win back our confidence and to force us to confront reality.

No one can put us behind bars for trying to regain a conscience and to strive for a realistic assessment of others’ situations as compared to our own.

“Stealing hatred” may inflict severe wounds on our psyche but the pain may be better than the insensitivity of having a lack of conscience.

Having shared some everyday and not-so-typical experiences, one may hope that when we come across ‘hatred’ in the context of ‘unfairness and injustice’, ‘betrayal’, and ‘envy’, that our decisions to act advantageously could be as clear and as structured as I have made things seem. Yet I realize that it’s always one thing to knowhow to approach a decision fraught with emotion, while it’s another thing to be able to apply what I know.

It seems that the only thing I am certain about, is that education and experience could give me an advantage over living in an established environment that would only frame and constrain me to rely on habit and pre-existing knowledge.