【陳慧珊】有一種教育，叫學習做決定 (7) 學習專注

為孩子的福祉著想不是一件十分困難的事情。孩子是我們生活中不可或缺的部分，我們願意為了他們在學習、情感、社交、道德和生理上的需要而付出。然而，在為人父母的路上，我們有些人卻會忽視屬於自己的需要和屬於自己的學習。

我覺得健康的父母，除了把注意力投放在孩子身上外，做決定時亦要考慮自己。許多育兒書籍都會提供培養孩子的方法，但在學習為孩子作出適當和理智的決定時，我們不是也應該對自己的個人成長負責嗎？

作為父母，要在孩子、家庭和自己當中取得平衡，我們應該保持雙重優先的原則。我理想中健康的育兒方式是，我們在適當的時間，以適當的方式，在適當的情況下為孩子付出100%，而非把我們的100%奉獻給他們。

為了實踐這個育兒方法，我在女兒三歲的時候，決定答應一個為期三個月的拍攝工作。這是一個相當簡單的決定：我十分享受（現在依然）演出，亦認為浸淫在一個有別於習慣了三年的世界，或許更有利於自己的個人發展。這不但可以平衡我的生活，我亦因而能夠成為一個健康的家長。

除了提升個人發展，另一個輕易地選擇重返螢幕的原因是，我早已想清楚四個挑選拍攝工作的準則。因此，我只需把這些準則與現時的生活狀況互相衡量（有機會提升抑或下降生活質素），便能作出決定。（我所有有關演出工作的考慮，都是基於導演的吸引力、演員、報酬，和／或時間能否遷就我和家人）。

在最近的一個育兒訪問中，有記者問我是否將女兒放在最優先的位置。我告訴她：「因應情況而定。」一般情況下，女兒在我的生命中無疑是最重要的，尤其是在她磨煉生活技能、獲得自我方向和道德意識及適應環境的階段。但是，當我正在工作，作為一個演員，我首要的任務當然是完成工作；和朋友在一起時，我會專注在我們的對話、用餐，或是正在花時間進行的事情上；當我在學校，學習必然放在我的第一位，如此類推。記者聽後，一面迷惘。或許，人們都期待一個更加直接、鮮明的答案—「是」。

當記者問我拍攝時會否想念女兒，我的回答再度令記者大吃一驚：「不。」我知道，只有全心全意投入演戲時，我才會享受它。我無法在惦念女兒的同時，找到工作的樂趣。縱然如此，我仍然會容許自己擠出一些時間，去想念她。

許多演員媽媽都向我透露，她們在工作的時候都會十分想念自己的孩子。我都會跟她們分享我的「策略」，告訴她們相較想念女兒，無法專注投入演員的工作，會使我更加痛苦，所以我們不應該為實踐自己喜歡的事情而感到內疚。為了個人的信仰、價值觀和信念而奮鬥，實際上是孩子最好的身教。

我還與一眾演員媽媽分享，作為母親，我如何在工作前、工作中與工作後負起責任。一旦我已為母親的身份付出了100%，我感覺可以盡情享受餘下的時間。

例如，在我出門工作前（無論是在上午8點、晚上8點，抑或凌晨4點），我將會預留充分的時間，告訴女兒我結束工作和回家的時間，以滿足她的期望。假如她渴望一個更詳盡的解釋，我會靜心坐下，好好說明自己工作的原因，包括從中獲得的樂趣和成長。工作時，我們有一個協定（一個我一直履行，從無間斷的協定），就是她可以期待在晚上7時至8時正左右接到我的電話，一起說晚安，那麼直至晚上結束前，我們都能保持緊密的關係。假如我要整天拍攝，而她一直待在家中，我會承諾她在午飯時致電給她。工作結束後，假如她仍未入睡，我承諾會告知她我正在回家的路上。（這個協定現在同樣適用於我上課的時候）

一貫與持之而行地引導孩子的期望，與孩子好好說明父母做事的原因（同時基於尊重他們是家庭成員之一），仔細聆聽孩子的心聲，以及體諒他們的感受，通過履行這些育兒原則，我已盡了作為父母的責任，亦因而能夠全心全意地投入餘下能享受工作和獲得成長的時間。

每天，除了慎重考慮家庭以外的生活，我還提醒自己要活在當下。雖然有些家長選擇終其一生去滿足孩子的需要，等待他們大學畢業能自力更生後，才回到以往「想要過的日子」。但時間飛逝，我們或許會因而後悔沒有充分善用當下—因為一直以來，我們只期待未來「將會過得如何」，而忽視了現在「過得如何」。

活在當下，透過接觸家庭生活以外的經驗來擴闊認識世界的視野，設法克服因離開子女而萌生的愧疚感，享受做自己喜歡的事時所帶來的樂觀與平靜的心境—這些決定，都推動我與女兒的成長和諧共存，亦有助使我成為一個快樂、健康及專注的家長。

作者：陳慧珊

網上圖片

相關文章：【陳慧珊】有一種教育，叫學習做決定 (1) 評定精確的行動
　　　　　【陳慧珊】有一種教育，叫學習做決定 (2) 與「懼」為友
　　　　　【陳慧珊】有一種教育，叫學習作決定 (3) 借助憤怒，然後把它歸還
　　　　　【陳慧珊】有一種教育，叫學習做決定 (4) 偷走仇恨
　　　　　【陳慧珊】有一種教育，叫學習做決定 (5) 乞求痛苦
　　　　　【陳慧珊】有一種教育，叫學習做決定 (6) 放手

Decision Making is Educational

“Learning Focus”

Making decisions for the well-being of our children is pretty easy.  Because our children are an integral part of our lives, we’re willing to contribute a great deal to taking care of their educational, emotional, social, moral, and physical needs.  However, while on the path of parenthood, some of us neglect to focus on our own needs, on our own learning.

The way I see being a healthy parent is for us to focus not only on the child, but to make a deliberate decision to focus on ourselves as individuals.  Many parenting books provide strategies that foster the growth of our children, but in our path to learning to make good decisions that are sensitive to and sensible for our children, shouldn’t’ we also be responsible to our own personal growth?

As a way to stay balanced, for the good of our children, family, and self, I think it may be healthy for us to place a dual-priority in renewing ourselves along the way of parenthood.  My approach to healthy parenting is that as long as we give 100% to our children at the appropriate time, in the appropriate manner, in the appropriate context, we don’t necessarily need to give them 100% of the pie 100% of the time, to be a “good” parent. 

Towards this approach to parenting, I made my decision to take on a three-month acting project when my daughter was three years old.  The decision was quite simple.  I enjoyed (and still enjoy) acting and I recognized that being immersed in a different world apart from what I had been used to for three years would perhaps induce my own personal development, which would translate into being a balanced person, and therefore a healthy parent.

Aside from enhancing my personal development, another reason why the decision to go back to work was not too difficult was because I had long figured out my four criteria to taking on any acting job.  Therefore, I merely had to weigh the criteria against each other and against my existing life situation (whether it would enhance or diminish the quality of it), and go from there.  (In any acting project that I take on, it’s based on the attractiveness of the director, actor(s), remuneration, and/or whether the timing is right for me and my family.)

In a recent interview about parenting, a reporter asked me whether my first priority is my daughter.  I told her, “That depends”.  In general, my daughter is undoubtedly my life priority, especially at this stage in her life when she’s still honing most of her life skills, acquiring self-direction and a moral sense, and adjusting to her environments.  But when I’m at work, when I’m performing my role as actress, my priority would be with my work; when I’m with my friends, I’d allow myself to immerse in our conversation, or in our meal, or whatever we happen to be spending time doing together; and when I’m at school, my studies would be my priority, and so forth.  And with that answer, I received a look of puzzlement.  Perhaps they expected a more clear-cut, one-word, “yes” for an answer.

Reporters are also surprised when they ask me, “Do you miss your daughter when you’re acting?” and I answer them with “no”.  Because I know that I could not possibly enjoy my acting if I am not whole-heartedly focused on it, I cannot miss my daughter and find work pleasurable.  I do, however, carve out certain times where I do allow myself to think of her.

Many actor moms confide in me that they miss their children terribly while on the job.  I’d share with them my own “strategies” and how it would actually be more painful for me to miss my daughter than to focus entirely on my work, and that we don’t need to feel guilty for doing what we enjoy doing in order to be good parents.  To act in accordance to our own beliefs, values, and convictions as individuals would actually make us good examples for our children.

I also share with my fellow mom-actors the responsibilities that I would fulfill before, during, and after work, so that once I feel like I have given my 100% as a parent, I can take the liberty to enjoy the rest of my day.

For example, before I head off to work (whether at 8am, 8pm, or 4am!), I would leave ample time beforehand to guide my daughter’s expectations by telling her exactly when I would be leaving for work and the approximate time I would be returning.  If I feel that she needs an explanation I would sit down with her and explain the reasons for my going to work which includes the enjoyment and growth that I attain from it.  During work, we have a binding contract (a promise which I have kept and never missed), and that is that she can expect and receive one call from me between the hours of 7-8pm, so that we can say our good night and she could have closure before turning in for the night.  If I’m on a full-day shoot and she happens to be home in the afternoon and reachable, I would promise her a call during her lunch-time.  After work, if she’s still up, I would tell her that I would contact her to let her knowing I’m heading home.  (This same procedure also applies nowadays for when I’m at school.)

Through the parenting principles of being consistent, being persistent, guiding children’s expectations, giving explanations/reasons for what parents do (and out of respect for the child as an equal member of the family), and listening carefully to what children have to say and being empathetic to their words and feelings, I have fulfilled my responsibility as a parent for that moment in time, and can therefore enjoy wholeheartedly the time carved out for enjoying my profession and acquiring personal transformation.

Aside from making the deliberate decision to enjoy my life outside of the home, I also remind myself daily to live in-the-moment.  While some of us go through life attending to our children’s needs, waiting for the time when they go off to college and become self-reliant, so that we can go back to “the way it was”, time passes us by and we may end up regretting not having been fully aware of the present moment — since we were always waiting for the future of “what might be” rather than living in “what is”.

The decision to live in the present, to look at the world in fundamentally new and different ways by being in touch with life experiences outside of my home life, to confront the feelings of guilt arising from being away from my daughter and finding strategies to overcome them, and the sense of optimism and inner peace that comes with enjoying what I do personally — which fuels me to transform as an individual in harmony with my daughter’s development and progression, all contribute to being a happy, healthy, and focused parent.

Text by Flora Chan